OK, still troubled over here...

OK, so I am being pushed. Pushed to explore him, the god of light, but here is the problem, he, Apollo, is being mean to me.

Unlike Hestia, whose exploration I took on with fervor and felt that she was helping me along, I feel that Apollo is actively pushing against me. The problem, of course, is in me. I think I am trying too hard. Trying to create something that is not there yet. I ran toward the wrong aspect of Apollo, the healer, before I was fully aware of what needed healing in me.

It hit me just now as I turned on RapidWeaver and searched my own heart in search of something to say. Apollo is pushing against me because I am in too much of a rush. I am trying to force a healing. Trying to force his hand. If there is even a small lesson in that it is this, Gods do not like being pushed. They act when they act, not any sooner, so no sense trying to force them to.

But, if the healer, perhaps Apollo's most famous aspect, is not the right aspect to start with, which is? Where am I right now? What do I see in the mirror that needs fixing and why?

So, here are some basic facts about me.

I am hispanic. Puerto Rican to be exact, and this often causes a problem in my own mind because I am fully Americanized, yet as I get older, I find myself realizing that I do hold some particularly hispanic attitudes toward certain aspects of our American culture. Not a bad thing, but I also realize that I may be a little too out of touch with my own Puerto Rican culture since it surprises me so much that I hold such attitudes.

I am 40 years old. OK, that's not a big deal, but it is a big deal from my own perspective. From my own mental image of myself, that seems off. I do not feel or look 40, and then I have to look at myself and ask, just what the hell is 40 supposed to feel and look like?

I am fat. Yes, fat. I got as fat as 340 pounds, and that is horrible, but I have managed to take it back down to about 240, and now I am faced with another problem, those last 70 pounds are hard to take off, and I am so not into the whole gym workout thing. I do get exercise, I bike anything from 12 to 20 miles a day, Summer or Winter, but maybe Apollo is telling me it is time for a different approach.

I am facing some health issues not related to my weight, and the fact that I am essentially poor means my ability to deal with them is very limited. Is there a way to deal with these things without money?

So, the healer needs to come last, it seems, but what aspect of Apollo need I meditate on to get myself rolling down the right path?