Saturday, November 10, 2007

Apollo Prostaterios, and the blocked doorway.

I am at a loss. I think I am doing the right things by opening myself up a bit. Letting people in a little more so that I can fully realize my potential and effect on others as well as how they affect me, but Apollo stridently stands at the door, blocking my way.

The dream that caused me so much confusion, the sexy porn star and the childhood home dream, and the one that made me take a closer look at my views of the future, that of the witches and the commune, have lead me astray somehow. Oh, those dreams are still valid, and they require further meditation, but my interpretations of them must be flawed.

Or, perhaps, their meaning has changed because I have changed.

Is it possible that in the last few months, as I have undertaken this little path of self discovery, I have changed so much that those two dreams are now different to my mind? Do I dare ask for more dreams to guide me along, knowing that these two were already rather confusing to me and made me a little crazy?

And what about some of the other things that have been happening to me lately?

I have come to a more open set of ideals with regard to sexuality. I no longer really see myself as simply gay, but something a little more open to other possibilities. I am dating a man who was once married, and has children. How will I deal with that when the dating goes further and I have to meet and interact with them? What if I fail at yet another relationship? Will that send me backward again, forcing me to do this all over?

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