So, Apollo is blocking me. He is standing in my way, forcing me to look at what I am doing, how I am doing it, and why, and I have presumed that was it, that he wanted me to look at this all and see what I have done wrong, what I have done right, and what I could do to make those things synch with each other to make me a better person. But as I looked at the Rapidweaver window thinking about this post, it hit me. He is standing at the doorway, blocking me from going through, but what about that door?
The door itself is not closed, and though he stands there (this is metaphor, I am not literally seeing a god standing in a door) I can still see what is ahead through it. Or, rather, I can seek to see what it is I expect to be on the other side of that threshhold, and I have to admit, I am not sure. Do I have a true goal, other than the vague golas of becoming a better person, being more centered, being less ornery and a bit more open to others. What exactly am I expecting of the future if I continue to follow througn here?
Why had it not occured to me that the prophetic God was pointing out my lack of direction, something that directly relates to my future?
I dunno.
So, what are my goals? What do I truly seek to accomplish with all this?
That's hard to answer, and thus why the Gods is standing in my way. He is forcing me to think about it and making me make decisions about what I hope to do from here on in, and, perhaps, to tell me not to rush and not to try so hard to work my way through, but rather just work and make it through as I can.
But, to be fair to myself, I should outline one or two goals.
1: To be a better man. This vague goal is very powerful, because it leaves me with a great many things to explore and improve upon. My temper, for one, has been greatly helped by this. My meditations and hopeful outlook with regard to them have filtered their way through to the rest of my life. I am a much more pleasant person, and this is part of my goal in being a better person. To become a person to whom anyone can turn for advice and know they will not be judged or lectured to. Someone patient and sincere who will, none the less, know when to keep his secrets. I am all of these things now, but this man is shrouded in a veil of bitterness and deep hurt that emerges from a very injured child deep inside who had his very spirit beaten out of him by life, family, and a society that didn't care.
2: To be truly open to love. I have loved people, well, men in my life. But to be honest, I am not sure if I have ever really been "in love" in that heart wrenching way that people write songs about. I don't think I am that kind of person. But I have loved, and I do know that I can love someone, but what about them loving me? Am I the kind person who does not let anyone love him? Yes, in many ways I am, and into my life the Gods have thrown a man who is a lot like me. He is not very emotionally expressive, a little shy, and yet at the same time very passionate. Making love to him is like losing myself in feeling, and I think he feels the same way, but neither one of us is very good at voicing these things, and it seems that right now, that is perfect, because we are men, and we men really do express ourselves very differently from women, and that way is often through physical contact, through a kiss, througha smile or the touching of a hand at certain moments, and I am very refreshed by that. Being open to love must mean being open to all of these things and a true acceptance of myself as a man, a gay man, a man who can express his feelings and allow others to express theirs and be well disposed to them.
3: To better educate myself. I have to come to a point when I can go take a few classes, learn to speak Greek, further my knowledge of Portuguese and French, two languages I really love, and to recconnect with my latin culture by studying in more depth the history of my people.
Those are three basic goals, and I hope to contemplate this further and get to work on some more. maybe Apollo will allow me to move through that door then.
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