If the Inner Choir stops singing...

Blessed Musagetes leads me to question certain things about myself, like my fear of public performance.

I am told I have a very pleasant and forceful voice. It resonates well with people who hear it, but I always make it clear that there is no sense in asking me to sing, I just can't do it, not in front of an audience. Oh, sure, my shower curtain has gotten some really good concerts, and my computer screen must be tired o listening to me sing along with Deva Premal or The Sugarcubes or Margareth Menezes, but when it comes to people, I have a very distinct phobia about singing before them.

So, if music is indeed to be something of a conduit for my understanding of how Apollo is going to aid me, should I not do something to overcome this fear? I don't know. I have no aspirations to be a singer, but maybe this phobia, this fear, is connected to something else, something deeper.

So, I turn to him, I ask that he gives me some clue, some guiding dream or vision, and I get the same dumb dream, albeit not exactly the same, of myself in that childhood home and the tent with the wild orgy going inside and the beautiful porn actor asking that I join them only to have me walk away from him, even though I would love nothing better than to jump his bones. Why?

Oh, i have given this dream some thought, of course, and I have come to the conclusion that he asks me to look at who I am by seeing who I was and why I chose, CHOSE, to be as I am in reaction to how I was, but why is it that music and this, including the obvious sexual imagery, are connected?

I have tried to think on it, and there are some obvious ideas at play here, including music as a medium for the transmission of eroticism (music can be very erotic) but it seems unsatisfying as an answer. Music as an expression of inner emotion, is a good reason, of course, but so obvious as to be laughable. What part of me has been broken or damaged by what I was that music can somehow help fix?

And here is another question, can our "inner choir" break? Can the inner voices that bring us inspiration, impulse, desire, etc. stop functioning, and am i being warned that, perhaps, this inner choir of voices and emotions is on the verge of breaking?

It is a good question, and one I may not be able to answer on my own.