Monday, May 11, 2009

Taking a moment...

Stumbling along, as I usually do in my life as I usually do I often stumble upon the little messages that the Gods leave behind for me to find, like breadcrumbs in a forest. This week, it was actually a fairly blatant one, and I think it was Aphrodite herself who did it.

I was invited to a party, and by party I mean a bunch of men who get together, get naked, and do the nasty. An orgy, and as I usually do, i try to go to these things because I do enjoy these things. But I found myself titillated yet not necessarily turned on. none of it seemed to really get my juices flowing, and in the end, I left, not bothered, but not satisfied either.

I usually have a reasonably good time at these things, Even if i don't necessarily engage anyone in sex, because the very visceral experience of witnessing it is usually more than enough to give me a thrill.

But something was bothering me. Something was making me feel ill at ease, and so, except with some minor engagement with a friend, I remained aloof, and others remained aloof from me. The entire thing, now that i think about it, had an almost dark feeling to it.

Of course, part of it may be my own reluctance to engage too many people in friendly banter. I find myself ill at ease with idle chit chat, i don't know why that is, but I often find myself at a lack for words when the chat is supposed to be light and fluffy. Yes, that's right, me, ME, speechless.

But something else that bothered me was the total lack of concern for anyone else that so many, including the friend I engaged with, have for the people they have sex with. I am not talking about matters of health here, we all have to take responsibility for our own protection, i am talking about the actual sex act. The actual desire to not just blow your load, but help the ma n who just helped you do the same.

I'm talking about sexual selfishness.

Now, i admit, an orgy is not the place where one should expect thoughtful consideration and total sexual satisfaction from a partner, and I didn't and do not fault any of these guys for any of this, but rather, I have to look at it as a kind of sign, and as such, I have to look inside myself and ask myself, how selfish am I in the act of love making? How selfish am I in the playful sex that is not love making? How selfish am I in general?

Not necessarily a question I can easily answer today, but tomorrow, I hope to have meditated on it enough to do so. I just hope it is an answer I am comfortable with.


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