Friday, January 11, 2008

The emotional void

Society, and the hispanic macho culture, teach men to be cold. We are supposed to be stone cold when it comes to things like crying and feeling vulnerable, but that is the very thing that damages us. That is the very thing that encourages such negative things as homophobia and misogyny. Being gay, of course, means that I have learned to move beyond that macho culture in many ways, being American means I have learned to see women as my equals in most things. Matters of distinction are not about misogyny but about understanding the differences between us and not placing value judgments on them. Thus, men being physically stronger than women on the average is not a better thing, just a different thing about us as people.

But the way the macho culture took hold in me as a child, that most influential of periods being spent in a hispanic land rather than an anglo one, has left me with something of a problem. An emotional void that makes it difficult for me to connect with people on a very close or intimate level.

Don't get me wrong, I love. I have been in love and have lost that love, and in the last few years in particular I have allowed myself a greater freedom to express those feelings. But in general, I am quite distanced from my feelings, so much so that I can clearly interact with people in emotional distress and not feel the least bit moved by their plight. I can see things of evil and not feel touched by it at all.

That is not a good thing.

So here I am, facing Apollo and feeling so very confused about how I am supposed to approach him. Is my emotional distance something the God disapproves of or is this the lesson he is trying to force me to understand? It is impossible to know for sure except that I have to take it on faith that whatever lessons I am supposed to learn I will, and hope they are the right ones.

I hope to post again later today after I have given some thought to Apollo as both healer and destroyer on an emotional level.

No comments: