It has been a very bad week. It seems no matter what I do everything is going wrong for no apparent reason. This happens to me from time to time, and I have yet to understand why? I am, of course, sure it happens to everyone, so I am not really pretending that I am the only one this happens to, the level of arrogance I would have to be capable of to do that would astound even me.
However, I try to look at the world with the understanding that the only perspective I have into that world is mine. That while I can read about other perspectives, I can only ever truly experience my own, and so I have to approach this that way.
When I say everything goes wrong all at once, what do I mean?
This week:
- Slow Week at work, hence no money
- Bike pedal arm is breaking, I ride a bike to work, and everywhere, out of some belief that I am doing my part to minimize my impact on the environment I share with others
- Bought tubes, which were mislabeled, so when I got a flat, and I did yesterday, and tried to fix it, they were useless
- My Mac has finally started to die in earnest, I will have to reboot it when I finish writing this, or risk losing more data
- My iPod is all buggered, but I think when I get a new mac and resync everything it should be ok, I think my dying Mac buggered the database in the iPod
- Just got a bill from the hospital, you don't want to know for how much.
- I can't get my Camera to turn on for some reason.
- The headphones I normally wear are suddenly all buggered.
Understand, all of this has happened in the last two days. And this is not about complaining. Shit happens, I get that, but now I have to deal with all this stuff in various ways, but the way relevant to this blog is how I deal with them internally.
A few years ago, before I started this blog and this journey along the star, I would have been enraged, probably broken a few things more just to prove to the world, which doesn't care, how upset I was at it, but in these last few years I have had to learn to deal with it all a bit differently. The anger, however, is still there, and while I do not let it become destructive rage anymore, it does do me harm internally.
Dealing with others becomes harder, because my mood is affected, and dealing with the public, which is so important to my livelihood, becomes harder. But yesterday opened my eyes to the level of work I have to do on myself because I really was not at all well inside. I can cover it up, and the people I work with often make it easy, because they tend to be fun, funny, and are willing to step back if asked, but the thoughts and dark feelings I kept experiencing were a reminder of the old me. Not rage, but certainly self destructive, because my spirit cannot handle this kind of self hatred, nor should I be doing that to myself.
That Hephaestos is in my life right now seems appropriate enough, as the God's myths and legends are ones of a figure trapped in a form that gives him much grief and which he must rise above. Is Hephaestos the god of inner turmoil expressed through external excellence? Is it he, not Apollo, who is ultimately the true artist god? And is he trying to call me back to a time in my life when I was an artist?
I said in my previous post that I needed an outlet for all these feelings, and art is the only outlet I can think of, other than, perhaps, taking a boxing class. But am I willing to go back there again? To a time in my life I remember so little of because of the broken mind that is my past? Is it a fear of exploring that part of my life what made me give up on art?
Maybe what I need is a therapist.
