Autumn comes, and with it the days of mourning for our dear goddess Demeter. Tomorrow, when the season comes, I will be running through a mantra in hopes of calling to myself her divine force into my consciousness.
But in these meditations I am doing, and the focus on Aphrodite which seems to be running forth indefinitely into the future, I am being forced to confront myself at a basic level, a level of which Aphrodite is divine warden. That emotional turmoil within me, which is within all of us, is also, or has been too often on display for all to see, and that is unacceptable to me.
It is not that I need to be a closed off person, I am far too closed off as a person, but that my control of my own emotions has too often lead me astray even as parts of me which were gentle and kind were kept hidden within me.
Yes, I am saying that I have been way crazy in my life, and anyone who has followed my words in the various discussion groups connected to both Hellenism and to homosexuality can tell you that I have been someone people have had to worry about in the past.
But thanks to the Gods, this idea I had to focus my meditations on a single deity at a time on a guided path that would lead me from Hestia, though the Olympian Gods and back to Hestia again has had a most positive effect on me. I have become a much more stable person, much better at conveying my ideas to others around me, and with the help of Aphrodite now, I am hoping to get a grip on my internal self so that maybe I can turn myself inside out.
What?
I mean that I want to take that gentle, caring person who is inside and hidden away out of fear of, what, rejection?, and relaese him so that he can affect change in myself and the people around me while I take that too often tumultuous, mercurial, and even a little scary me and learn to quell him and put him in his proper place in my own mind and heart, hidden away from those who do not need to see it.
More than any other, Aphrodite is forcing me to really look at myself and acknowledge how far I still have to go, and by doing so to find the right ways to deal with the emotion and fear that has guided me through too much of my life.
So, because getting these things out in the open is so often the best way to bring them to light and deal with them, I will try to explain some of them here.
• Exasperation: I am so easily exasperated with people because they do not have the means to explain to me what it is they want from me. It is hard for me because I am so often bewildered by the way people say one thing but mean another. I am a fairly observant person, but not when it comes to what people are thinking, and I wish people were a little more honest about what they want or need. But, I need to learn how to ask the right questions.
• Fear: OK, so, the way i talk and write I often seem rather fearless, but the truth is that tat covers up an inherent fear that I hold inside, a fear that I am never right, never smart enough, never good enough, and always inferior to the people around me while at the same time I know that I am usually smarter than most of the people I know. Why is this? Why should I have this feeling of physical inferiority while holding onto a feeling of intellectual superiority? I know I am not inferior or superior to anyone, not at the basic level, yet I am holding on to these fears that I am which causes me to hold myself back out of fear that people will see my inferiority.
• Desire: I have touched on this one before, that I have an inner life filled with sexual and physical desires that I rarely share with people I know because I think they will not understand, but also because I still have in me a touch of the puritan that is part of the general American psychological make up.
• Physical Self Loathing: I am fat. I do not have to be, I don’t buy into the BS that it is some kind of disease, I am fat because I eat more than I should and do not exercise to compensate for that, but I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I am fat for a reason, that part of me loathes me so much that it desires to destroy me through this. How I come to terms with this part of me is something I will have to figure out as I go, but in the meantime, I am going to have to do something about the physical manifestation of this self loathing, the over eating, and figure out its source as I go.
• Intolerance: I admit that I am rather willing to accept anyone, as long as they show me the respect I feel I deserve, but I do know that I have certain intolerant ideas and feelings inside of me that need watched, because I am fearful that they could lead me down a wrong path.
Later...
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