Sunday, February 22, 2009

Mistakes? How about the good stuff?

So, if I must look at the mistakes I have made as I have made my progress along the star, I must also take a moment to reflect back at some of the positive things I have done in the last year and a half, or perhaps to see the effects that these meditations and the forcing of myself to think about things that come to mind as a result of these meditations.

I was kinda nuts. I don’t mean I was just a little off. I am quite sure that if I had continued as I was, I would have ended up dying by my own hand, or as a result of my crazy behavior and inability to control the runaway emotional roller coaster I was on.

This is important to remember, because while I write in a reasonable logical manner, sometimes even cold, I am in fact a very emotional person. Not, perhaps in that touchy-feely, Emo way, but in a dark and passionate way. I have anger, rage, and bitterness in me that was killing me.

My upbringing left me a destroyed man, one who did not really understand the reality of what he had become because too many people around me simply refused to be honest with me, and because self delusion is an art form I must have perfected somewhere along the line.

Since starting this little trek of mine, though, I have been forced to remember and think about those things which today I can fully recognize as flaws that need controlled or changed. Changing these things about myself is not ever going to be an easy thing, but in the end they are the things that will save me, because letting go of the anger by recognizing it, is the first step to maybe ending my life as a complete and happy person.

Hestia, Hera, and Apollo, and Poseidon, taught me to reconsider my place in things. Not just the great cosmic ideas of man’s place in the universe, but my own place in my family, in my community (something I still need to do something about), and in my own home.

Taking these things into consideration, I have worked to bring the Gods closer to me, to remind myself of their presence and to actively seek their aid when I feel myself falling off a precipice. More importantly, I have learned to recognize certain triggers, certain reactions, and certain “thought forms” that occur in me and cause me to act in self destructive ways, and by recognizing them, to stop them in their tracks.

Everyone has noticed the differences in me, and I am hoping that some day I can look back at this time and simply laugh it all off.

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