From my perspective

From my perspective, Hermes is a tremendous God, one who is too often taken for granted or seen as small because of the way myth describes him. This can, of course, be said of all the Gods, because myth, as beautiful as it can be, is also but a tiny fraction of what the ancient religion was. In many ways, Myth even helped destroy the religion of the ancients, as it allowed the Christian oppressors to point to them and ask “How can you worship gods that do this and that?”

But anyone who opens themselves up to the Gods, be they in a Hellenic Context, or any of the myriad others, knows that a god is always so much more than a simple, and often simplistic, story about his birth, life, deeds, and death. In fact, Gods do not die, so therein lies a clue to one of the realities of myth, that they are not strictly true things, but rather the shadows of things that are true in some abstract way, but which can only be conveyed in our reality as these imperfect stories.

In my mind, Hermes is the God that best corresponds with one of the fundamental realities of my personal faith, that the universe of Einstein and Newton is not in conflict with the universe of Nyx, Eros, and Ge. That the universe is indeed composed of several “worlds”, be they called Olympus, Hades, and Tartarus, or Asgard, Midgard, and Hel, or the dimensions of space time. And Hermes, for me, exemplifies the reality of a universe which is whole and entire, yet perceptually divided. That the three dimensions of space, time, and the myriad other dimensions curled up inside of, around, and sideways of our own are all tied together by these beings who are part and parcel of all of them and who inspire in this great totality, life and its aspiration to become something more.

Hermes transcends, and transcendence in the divine sense is different from what you or I might consider transcendence, or what we might be capable of transcending to, but it doesn’t matter, because this inspiration to become something more than we are today is all that life is about. It is evolution, it is civilization, it is philosophy and religion and all the aspirations of every human being alive.

Keep moving ahead, he seems to whisper to us all, and we would be stupid not to take him up on the invitation.
 Greek Death Gods: Hades, Hermes, Tartarus, Charon, Thanatos

Three Greek gods in Egypt: The cults of Aphrodite, Artemis, and Hermes in Greco-Roman Egypt according to the documents and literary notices ([Theses for ... of Master of Arts - University of Hawaii)

Seeing

I recently posted a short prayer on Twitter and Facebook which read like this:

Hear me as I pray, Hermes of the winged feet, and allow me a respite
to feel and enjoy that which might otherwise pass me by.

This wasn’t an idle prayer, I really mean it. It occurs to me, and not for the first time, that I am letting way too much of my own life pass me by. I work, I come home, I watch TV, I chat online, and then go to bed and do it all over again the next day. This ain’t good. I am asking Hermes, of course, because life is a kind of journey, and, because I am hoping to get back to doing something soon that I once loved, and that’s travel and see new places.

I don’t need to travel and spend thousands of dollars, I am fairly content sitting in a cafe with a cup of coffee or tea and observing the different ways people live, or going to a museum and staring at a painting, but, I want to do it in new places. I want to go back to Spain and France and Portugal and see how things have changed since I was there all those many years ago, but, foremost, to find new and economical spots to visit that will nourish my soul.

I also ask the Gods, because I need to get myself out of the economic mess that illnesses have put me in, and again, Hermes seems to be my guide in this.

To Hermes, the Traveller

In a place I once knew

Among people I knew once

I am bereft of feeling

Guide me to find those feelings again, O Hermes

In a place that seems familiar

Among familiar people who seem strange

I am confused

Guide me to understand, O Hermes

On this journey I have come to show my affection

On this journey to feel their affection in return

On this journey to meet the newest member of my clan

I seek your aid and guidance, O Hermes, and thank you for your gifts.

Facing Reality

So, since I have been pondering my sexuality and all those wonderful things that often make us who we are on these defining levels, I may as well touch on a couple of other things, things that most of us don't really communicate to each other out of fear or shame.

I am a an angry person.

I try not to communicate that too much, but I know it comes off, and others misinterpret it as bitterness or general negativity, which to be honest are manifestations of that anger, but they are the anger that resides in me. It is an anger built up over decades of tamping it down and sublimating it. N anger born of abuse and, as a child, an inability to understand that abuse. It is something that I have worked hard on these past ten years or so, and it is something which I now have a quandary about, because while I now recognize this anger in me, I also have to now figure out what to do with it.

I suppose a psychologist would tell me I need to confront the source, to get answers and face the people responsible, but I wonder if doing that, if bringing that kind of shame and pain into their life now will actually do anything to help me in mine.

Forgiveness isn't an issue, I am not sure I am strong enough a man to actually forgive where forgiveness is needed. Forgiving my mother is easy, I love her dearly, but forgiving my father? How do I do that when I barely feel anything for hm, except this odd dull anger that is really more general than acutely directed at him. I also have to ask myself if my anger toward him is not disproportional, misdirected, as a way to allow the anger to express itself but without placing more of a burden for it on my mother.

Hermes may be pushing me not only to face my sexuality, but all of these things as well, because they are all part of communicating. All of these things that are part of who we are on the inside, that form the mental paradigms that make us who we are, require expression, and that is my problem. That I can write this and know what I sort of need to do but not be able to fully express it in a verbal emotional way is something that must vex the God of Communication, and which is now vexing me as I try to proceed on this path of self discovery.

So I sit here and do what I always do, I self medicate with food, being a dick, perhaps keeping myself from ever having to experience real love by making it hard for others to want to be near me. It is hard to think about these things, because it does seem like it is all so obvious, and I should be able to just get over myself and let go, but saying you need to let go and actually doing it are two very different things, and they are not at all even comparable, because this logical and written confession of my failings in this matter is very unemotional and detached from m reality, and the actual doing will require something from me I am not even sure I possess. True inner strength and confidence.

But...

But it would be disingenuous of me to claim that I can simply change what I am, what I have been acculturated into being, and what I have made myself into simply because it seems as if hermes is telling me it’s ok. My gender and sexual identity are far too complex and profound a p[art of me for me to say that I could do that. Yes, both men and women have their charms, but I know in my heart that it is men that draw me, excite me, arouse me, and all together make me feel as if I am truly alive.

Women are a part of my life that is different from what mainstream thought says they should be, they are friends, intellectual equals, sisters, and above all, my fellow human beings, and while I do find many women beautiful and maybe even attractive on a visceral sexual level, that never seems to translate to arousal or true desire in my heart and mind.

So, maybe the labels aren’t really so much bullshit as they are not to be applied too strictly and forever.